STXWM Blog

The Greek language distinguishes between four types of love: philia or brotherly love, which fellow STXW blogger Tracie wrote about last week; eros or romantic love, storge, or familial love; and the one most Christians are familiar with; agape or unconditional love.

With Valentine’s Day on the horizon and Pepto Bismol pink plastered everywhere the eye can see, our blog team thought this would be the perfect week to break down eros love with a biblical worldview. Fun fact: out of the four loves being discussed this month, this was the last to be spoken about. Passion is my middle name, so I was more than willing to tackle what could be seen as a ‘restricted subject.’ I think that accurately reflects our willingness to discuss it in Christian circles today. There is almost a taboo surrounding eros, even within the covenant of marriage. Eros love is whispered about in secret, or conversations shut down entirely when it is brought up or mentioned. Let’s change that. 

Let’s acknowledge that it can be hard to talk about passionate love, and I would venture to say that many of us didn’t grow up with eros being the kind of love we discussed at the dinner table. If I could pour you a cup of coffee or sit down with you right now, I would want you to know that God is love, and what He created for us to experience with our spouses is beautiful and worthy to be discussed without shame or embarrassment. A close friend reminded me, “Eros isn’t lust but love of pure passion, and as women, we are allowed, encouraged even, to have that eros with our husbands and enjoy it.” To take the shame out of something, we must give it over to God and ask Him to transform us and mature us for His glory. Yes, even eros is for the glory of God. 

In her book The Hiding Place, Corrie Ten Boom shares this beautiful exchange she had with her father on this topic as a young girl. “And so, seated next to my father in the train compartment, I suddenly asked, “Father, what is sex?” He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise, he said nothing. At last, he stood up, lifted his traveling case off the floor, and set it on the floor. Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?” he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.”It’s too heavy,” I said. “Yes,” he said, “and it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It’s the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now, you must trust me to carry it for you.”

I share this excerpt from The Hiding Place to be seen as a bridge. Eros should be taught with caution, as should all knowledge. There is a time and place appropriate for knowledge to be shared and experienced, and we do ourselves and the next generation a disservice when we take something that God created and place shame on it or refuse to acknowledge or educate others at the appropriate times. 

I asked a couple in my church with teenage kids what having conversations on deep topics looked like in their house. They answered that it is not one big conversation that happens at a special time but lots of little conversations and acts that occur early and often. They then connected it to this topic. “It’s the same way we address all ‘heavy’ topics with our kids. We lead the conversation and steer the education because they will hear and learn from somewhere else if we don’t. We can direct everything through our biblical lens and God’s intention.” 

I grew up in the True Love Waits era and thought it was the bees’ knees. Truly. My parents and siblings all read through a book and took a course about waiting for marriage to show and experience passionate love. Scriptures were referenced, and at the end of the prescribed program, our parents let us go to James Avery and choose a ring that we would wear to symbolize our commitment to wait for true love. I chose a ring with ‘God is love’ transcribed in Hebrew, which many people asked if it was the language of Elvish from Lord of the Rings. And that was about it in the Christian circles I ran in. With my declaration splashed in silver around my left ring finger and no other mention of sex or all the feelings that lead up to it, I thought that was all there was to it. Passionate eros love would be talked about and understood later, but then later never came. What is eros? The conversation started and stopped right there. I ended up feeling shame and confusion surrounding intense passion or the thought of sex, and what I heard from many of the adults in my life was negative.  

Holding hands? Better not! That leads to a desire to put your hands in other places they shouldn’t go. Kissing? Absolutely not that leads to an urge that is almost impossible to extinguish. Being alone with a member of the opposite sex? Good Lord, you have lost your mind; that is practically how babies are made!

This was never the way that God meant it to be. God created the Heavens, the Earth, and all that is in them and declared, “It is good.” God created Eve out of a desire for Adam not to be alone (Genesis 2:18). At the end of the second account of the creation story in Genesis 2: 24-25, it says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and not ashamed.”

Man and his wife were naked together, and there was no shame. They were one flesh, united as God intended, and not ashamed. Being passionately intimate is a gift from God. It wasn’t until Genesis 3, after the fall, that shame and doubt surrounding being naked came to be. A truly wicked side effect: to take what was natural and normal and corrupt it. Since Adam and Eve’s eyes were opened and until the passing away of this world, creation will continue to walk with and hold that shame. 

How do we hold that? As Christians, how do we overcome this hurdle? Historically, the church hasn’t been comfortable or forthcoming with discussing eros love from the pulpit. Maybe that is another way the enemy has tried to transform it into something taboo or cheap. Let us reclaim the love God has created for us and learn and lean into them. How do we do that? We make a shame-free space to discuss eros from a biblical worldview. It’s not just the job of the church but also our job as sisters in Christ to hold tension with one another and spur each other forward in wisdom and love. This is why I have asked women in different seasons of their lives and lengths of time in their marriages to give their advice and openly share what eros is and isn’t. First, we are operating under the biblical context of the following: One man and one woman within a covenant marriage uniting them that leads to no shame in their nakedness and beautiful eros.

Today, we will get multiple perspectives from three Christian women in different seasons of life and their marriages. A newlywed, a more experienced wife, and (shall we say) a seasoned veteran wife have all taken the time to answer some questions and give their advice on eros.   

Our newlywed wife has been married for slightly over two months, and when we began our conversation, she eloquently said, “Eros doesn’t begin with eros. I can’t exactly tell you what it is, but from my experience, it comes from other loves in your relationship being fulfilled. When my husband loves me, the way I like to be loved and respects me in ways that bring me joy (like putting his tools away or picking up after himself), this leads to eros.” She shared how she had many beautiful examples of healthy Christian marriages, so her expectations met reality when she got married. She continued by sharing how sexual love is giving yourself to your spouse, but it is intertwined with emotional and spiritual health and love as well. “Eros love…it feels like dessert. My husband and I were friends first, and then that friendship transformed into a relationship and marriage. Since my teens, I have honored my future husband by saving my body for marriage. Even in engagement, thinking about marriage and what being together fully would be like was exciting. Just like thinking about how satisfying dessert will be once dinner is done.” 

Speaking with a wife who has been married for a decade, she shared, “Eros love always seemed wrong to talk or even think about in church circles. If it had been mentioned, I would have felt shame. When my husband and I first got married, I had a difficult time transforming my thought process between touching and kissing is bad into being intimate with your husband is beautiful, and exploring one another within marriage is exactly what God intended. It wasn’t an easy transition, and for about six months, I felt shame whenever we physically expressed our love.” She went on to share how even with her parents being believers and growing up in youth groups, there just wasn’t an adequate education on eros within the bounds of marriage. “My husband and I have different love languages, and he worked hard in the beginning to make me feel loved beyond the physical act of making love. His showing me unconditional love in a way that I received it ultimately opened my heart to joy and lessened the feelings of shame, which brought me joy.” 

When speaking with a wife of twenty-two years, she shared a wealth of knowledge, and my pen couldn’t keep up with all the wisdom! “My dad always said that love is a need-meeting relationship.” When asked what eros is to her, she simply said, “Being together. Connection leads to romance. Just like Christ wants quality connectedness with His creation, He wants that for His children. The quality of time and love I spend with my husband is greater than grand gestures. Holding hands and running errands or an intentional movie night locked in our bedroom telling our kids not to come get us. That is eros.” She went on to share how crucial premarital counseling is for the health of couples and to guide them in creating accurate expectations in all facets of marriage. “When I feel truly seen and loved and when I make him feel truly loved and seen is what contributes to a healthy, passionate marriage.”

Although these women shared similar and different perspectives, one thing continuously came to mind. Eros doesn’t necessarily begin as a deep passion but grows from other loves. Eros within a biblical worldview doesn’t have room for shame. Intimacy blooms out of connection.  Let us not cheapen Eros by withholding it from our spouse or denying ourselves the adventure of learning and deepening the expression of passion together.  Let us also not spoil our “desert” until the Lord has brought about the appropriate time.

I pray that we can all embrace love in all the forms God created and audaciously love and experience all He desires for us. If eros is still difficult to digest, start with what it isn’t and then seek God and appropriate Christian counsel for what it is. I philia you all and pray for eros, storge, and agape to surround you. 

MaKenzie V. is a global worker who has faithfully been serving the unreached in the Arab World while growing her family. Almost every moment of the day is spent chasing Jesus and her toddlers- usually with a cup of hot tea or coffee in hand. She enjoys learning languages, deep belly laughs, and connecting with others where God has them.