STXWM Blog

Have you ever felt “unseen” in your struggles with mental health care?  This is exactly how I felt as I walked with my mom through her mental illness.  The unsolicited (and unhelpful) advice is often free-flowing:

“You should get out more.”

“Take up a hobby.  I bet that will do the trick.”

“It’s because you are not eating right.”

“You just need some rest, that’s all.  You’ll be fine if you can get a good night’s sleep.”

“I know exactly what you’re going through.  It was really rough for me when my cat died.”

She tried it all.  Anything that was suggested to her.  She tried.  None of it helped.  

What did help?  The doctors, therapies, and the medication.  The transformation was miraculous.  One time my dad said, “It was like I dropped this other lady off at the hospital and your mom finally came home to us.”  But no one seemed to want her to be healthy that way.,

Everyone seemed to have something to say about it, especially about her faith:

“You must not be praying enough.”  

“Taking medication is a lack of faith.  God wants to heal you but you have to stop treatment so He can.”  

“It’s all spiritual.”

It kept happening over and over.  And every time I heard someone say those words to my mother my heart would sink.  It was going to get bad again.  It has been good for a while now.  Why couldn’t people just leave her alone?  It wasn’t just her.  They would blame my dad too.

“The wife is a reflection of the husband.  If you were taking care of her properly this would not be happening.”  

“You must not love her enough.”

“God would never let this happen to real Christian people.”

Dad came home and for the next several days he fasted and prayed…..every time this happened.  

He and my mother wanted nothing more than to live lives that were pleasing to God.  How were they being displeasing to Him?   What were they doing wrong?  It had to be something.  So many people kept saying that it must be their fault.  A loving God wouldn’t do this to us so it must be something we are doing.  Some of their comments made me wonder if maybe it was my fault….

“You need to be easier on your mom.”

“She’s under enough strain and having to deal with you two is more than she can handle.”  

“You need to help her more.”

Maybe it was me.  Maybe it was my fault.  I worked at the church and helped out at home.  I tried not to argue with my brother or give my parents a hard time.  But maybe I could be doing more…..or something different……

No one seemed to know why it was our fault, just that it was.

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Hagar was an outsider among Abram’s people.  She was not among the chosen nation that God was building as a part of His promise to make Abram the father of God’s people, Israel.  She was an Egyptian servant.  She very likely served other gods but she knew of Yahweh because of her years of service in the home of Abram and Sarai.  

Yahweh had told them to move and they moved.  Yahweh had promised a baby and they had believed but that had been a long time ago.  Now, here she was, alone in the wilderness; pregnant and scared (Genesis 16).  

I am well aware that this Bible story is not about mental illness but it is one in which I have seen and come to understand God since I was a young teenager.  Hagar called Him “El Roi” (The God who sees me) and she named her son “Ishmael” (God hears).

She was an outsider but God saw her, heard her and came looking for her.  She did not even call out to Him but He found her and came to the place of her need.  

My hope today is that you feel seen and heard.  That you know that you are not alone.  I hope that you know that God does want to heal you and that He gave us the gift of doctors and medication.  He implores us in His word to seek wisdom and follow it.  He is not absent because you seek help.  It is an answer to your prayers.

You are perfectly known and loved by God.  Hear me again.  You are perfectly known and loved by God right now, exactly as you are.  He is not ashamed of you.    

Restoration, healing and promise are God’s to give in His way.  Others have no power to tell you what that looks like or when it is coming.  And others do not need to understand. 

If you know my family, you may see a situation in which it is sometimes difficult to see promise, restoration or healing but if you had walked this road with the Lord and me you would know that I can see His hand all along the way.  He is in control now and always has been and He is the God who sees and hears us.  We are not alone.  

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What is stigma?  According to Webster’s dictionary it is “a set of negative and unfair beliefs that a society or group of people have about something; a mark of shame or discredit.

When was the last time you heard of a person with cancer being told to try essential oils, drink a special tea or just take a walk in nature to cure what ails them?  Or better yet, “just calm down.”

I wonder why these things rarely get said to a person with a broken bone or a cancerous tumor.  I wonder why it is said most often when the mind or the heart are diseased.  Why must we be ashamed when we need a practitioner for our brains or body chemistry but not when we need one for our bones or our blood?

What physical ailments allow an employer to deny someone work when they are capable as long as they are cooperating with treatment?  Should I not be allowed to work if I wear glasses because I need the glasses to function?

If you think that these things are not a real problem for those living with mental illness then I contend that you are blessed to have never experienced it.  For that I am truly happy for you but I also implore you to use that blessing to become part of the solution for those who have not been so blessed in that way.

Everyday in this country (maybe in others too) those who live with mental illness struggle with the harmful effects of societal and familial stigma that forces them into secrecy in order to continue to participate in those spaces without detection.  This secrecy often pushes them away from treatment and into shame.  Without the treatment that is necessary to maintain a healthy and stable life, they are then ostracized by the very community that shamed them out of treatment in the first place when they are unable to maintain an acceptable social equilibrium.

What can we do?

First of all, we can pray.  I am a firm believer in the healing power of our God.  I also believe that He will guide and direct our paths when we do not know what to do.  He also wants to guide our words so that we can walk with our brothers and sisters into life and freedom and not into shame and fear.

Next, when we don’t know what to say, that might be our cue to listen.  It is tempting when we are uncomfortable to just stay silent or to offer advice but I encourage you to hear and seek to understand.

Finally, we can learn.  Many people are uncomfortable with information about mental illness because they are themselves uninformed.  Look to reputable medical and mental health resources to understand.  We can be the hands and feet of Jesus when we help others to know the God that sees them.

As we enter Mother’s Day weekend, I am leaning on God for strength and peace because this year has not been a good one for my family.  I am not able to have a relationship with my mom right now and it breaks my heart but God…. 

He is faithful in every season and sees us in our lowest moments for the daughters that we are, not for the pain or confusion that can sometimes cloud our view. 

In this season of my life, I have a wonderful Christian mental health practitioner that I see once a week.  She guides me with medical training to overcome the pain and fear that I struggle with having been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder about 10 years ago.  She has been a gift from God to help me walk closer with Him and help me become the best mom, friend, sister, daughter, and minister I can be on this side of Heaven. 

I am a patient diagnosed and receiving treatment for a mental health disorder.  If you have questions or need support, I would love to talk with you.  Thank you for allowing me to share with you, my sisters.  

Mental Health Resources are available at https://www.stxagwm.org/mental-health and if you are in crisis you can visit your nearest emergency room or call 988 24 hours a day for live help.

Stephanie Sharp is a teacher, a writer, a musician and an ordained minister.  She is also a divorced, single mother of 3 teenagers.  She writes for the South Texas Women’s Ministries Blog and founded a ministry for ladies walking through divorce and single motherhood called The Well.  You can contact Stephanie at thewellwm@gmail.com.