STXWM Blog

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That’s the deal” –C.S. Lewis

I grew up untouched by sorrow and unacquainted with grief. I literally grew up in a home with a white picket fence and a loving family. I was never hungry or went without necessities, and almost all of my memories are wrapped in love. (I have two older siblings, so of course, there is also the occasional bad memory, but even those I can’t truly complain about.)

I remember hearing people whisper about depression, and others would sweep anxiety under the metaphorical rug, and I was shaped to believe that mental health struggles were not Godly and that if someone just believed hard enough, they wouldn’t struggle. That was all there was to it. 

Depression? Well, you should go for a walk and get some good old-fashioned sunlight! Anxiety? Well, you know to cast those on the Lord, for He sustains you! Bipolar? No, you just need a diet change and some exercise. So I heard and so I believed. If we just had more faith, or better faith perhaps, and tried harder, we wouldn’t struggle with mental health issues. 

So anytime my anxiety washed in, instead of praying and releasing my control and trusting the Lord, I just shut down my mind and went into robot mode. A fake smile and even faker, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!” was what I clung to. Not the real Jesus, but my own strength. 

Somehow that was “enough” to have me squeak along in life until one day I was met with, “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat.” That led to being rushed to the hospital and inducing birth. Every step of the way, I prayed. I clung to scripture. I did everything in my control to hold onto my daughters’ life, but I don’t hold the keys to life and death. Twelve hours of labor later, my first fruits, my firstborn after years of infertility, was stillborn at 38 weeks. 

To this day, I still feel like pieces of me were left in that hospital room. My reality wasn’t matching up with what my faith tradition had taught me. “God will never give you more than you can handle,” and so many more untruths flooded my mind. But who could handle this? Instead of wrapping my Lily in her pink blanket, I was swaddled–no strangled, by grief, and I was defenseless.  

It dragged me down to depths I didn’t know existed, and with it, a depression swallowed me like I didn’t know possible. Life became a chore, and the thought of ending it flirted at the edges of my subconscious on and off. My uneducated mind became a battleground for the enemy to twist and poison, and since I had been taught that mental health struggles were weakness and only those who didn’t truly believe in God had them, I also began to question not only my salvation but if God existed. 

Mental health awareness is crucial not only so we can acknowledge what the enemy is throwing at us, but also for us to educate and train the next generation of believers so that they are more prepared for how to handle any struggles they too will face. Not if, but when they face them.

It is better to do the work and have the resources available for ourselves and others in Christ so that no one has to shoulder any burdens alone. We also need to stop misquoting scripture and saying things like, “God just needed another angel.” Those ‘well-intentioned’ sayings can be kindling for someone in the depths of struggle. 

We just need to look at Job for a biblical example of too much to handle and abounding grief. Lazarus’s sister, who ran to Jesus as he entered Jerusalem and said, “If only you had been here, he would have lived.” Jesus weeping in the garden. Jacob wrestling with God. David lamented. God poured His heart into scripture and gave it to us not for us to twist and sling at each other, but for us to hide deep in our hearts and rely on when our reality doesn’t live up to our expectations. 

Grief can be a gift. I don’t think I could have written those words six years ago, kneeling at my infant daughter’s gravesite, but God has transformed me and my faith. God has used my grief and all the mental health struggles I have had with it to glorify Himself, and He is using my testimony to do it. 

Step by step, he walks with us like the infamous Footsteps poem reminds us. “LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you’d walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me.” The Lord replied: “ My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”

I pray that God would transform and educate you on mental health awareness so that you would have love and compassion for all who walk closely with various struggles. Perhaps you are someone who has pressed down or tried to control your mind to what you have been taught is a “Christian mindset.” Maybe someone you love walks the tightrope of mental health, and you feel pulled and stretched by the tether it has on them. Maybe you do not believe a Christian should take medication or doesn’t have enough faith, and that mental health struggles are “all in someone’s head.”  Wherever you stand on this scale, I pray that you would have audacious faith. You would be willing to be open and used and educated by our loving Father and be a conduit of His grace and love to all you meet. 

Heavenly Father, you created our bodies and everything in them. When you were weaving each of us together, you did not falter, your hand didn’t slip, you did not make any mistakes. I pray that we would surrender ourselves and all we are to you to be used for your glory. Use all our life circumstances to draw us into your loving embrace. Amen. 

Mental Health Resources are available at https://www.stxagwm.org/mental-health and if you are in crisis you can visit your nearest emergency room or call 988 24 hours a day for live help.

MaKenzie V. is a global worker who has faithfully been serving the unreached in the Arab World while growing her family. Almost every moment of the day is spent chasing Jesus and her toddlers- usually with a cup of hot tea or coffee in hand. She enjoys learning languages, deep belly laughs, and connecting with others where God has them.