STXWM Blog

I have never understood the fascination people seem to have with being scared on purpose.  I am not a big fan of haunted houses, horror movies, or roller coasters anymore.  When I was younger I participated in my fair share of amusement park rides but as I’ve gotten older it has lost its appeal.  I remember my first panic attack when I was 17 years old.  I was in the middle of class in high school and suddenly for no reason at all, I felt like I was going to die.  It was certainly not an experience that I would ever sign up for voluntarily but yet, I continue to have them occasionally to this day.    

Fear has been a frequent opponent throughout my life and I have never once enjoyed it or understood why some people find fear exciting.  For years I struggled with feeling like I just wasn’t a good enough Christian or that maybe I wasn’t saved at all if I struggled this much with fear and anxiety.  I would return to the altar again and again (and again) begging for forgiveness and saying the sinner’s prayer.  I would take captive fearful thoughts and bring them under submission to Christ as 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us to do and yet I still wept in my bed unable to find sleep.

I realized several things over the years about the fear that I was feeling.  

First of all, this fear that God would abandon me if I couldn’t get this right, was not of God.  I knew Him!  I had studied His word and spent time in His presence.  My Father was not looking for a mistake that would signal His release to be rid of me.  Romans 8:38-39 says, “I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  

Second, He had not left me without instruction.  He was not waiting on me to be rid of the fear on my own before He wanted me.  God walks with me even when I am afraid.  He is my peace right in the middle of times when fear tries to overtake me.  Psalm 23:4 says, “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.”  There were times that even in the midst of prayer, my mind and heart were assaulted with unrelenting anxiety and I would speak the Word of God with tears flowing down my face.  I felt like I must be doing it wrong if relief was not instantaneous but in truth, this is obedience.  This is faith.  To continue to speak the Word of God in the darkness knowing that He is with me even when I cannot see Him there.  His rod and His staff is protecting me now, even while I wait for Him to answer my prayer.

Finally, through my fear I came to understand God and to trust Him more.  There were times in scripture when God healed immediately and that’s the one we all want, but there were others who either did not receive their healing on this side of Heaven or who had a work of obedience to do first.  In 2 Kings 5, Elisha sent Naaman to dip seven times in the River Jordan before he received his healing.  In John 9, a blind man had to sit still and trust Jesus as he made mud with spit and smeared it on his face.  

I have experienced times of fear and anxiety that have sent my brain spiraling down a black hole of “what ifs,” causing my stomach to repel the nutrition that my body needed to function, and at times have racked my body with tremors that made it impossible to do anything but lie down and pray for it to stop.  For years, I sought no help except in prayer because I thought it was a test of my faith.  The real test of my faith was to trust that God could move in ways that I didn’t expect or understand.  For me, God worked through a clinician.  Now, I see a faith based counselor and a medical doctor after being diagnosed with CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and generalized anxiety.   I still speak the Word of God over my fear and bring rebellious thoughts under submission to the power of Jesus.  I have also found healing in medications that balance the chemistry in my body and therapy that help me to deal with physical reactions to past trauma.  And I praise God for every way that He is bringing me healing and freedom from fear.

I John 4:18 says, “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.”  If you are fearing that you are no longer saved (or maybe never were) because you are fighting a battle with fear then remember, that is not the perfect love of God.  He has called us to come to Him as we are and to seek His healing, not to fear punishment from Him.  He will never abandon you.

Dearest, you are so loved and it is not the will of God for you to live in fear.  Do not fight alone.  Reach out to sisters in Christ to fight with you and seek help from a doctor if needed.  God is able to give you freedom from fear and will do it in ways you never expected.  He is with you and so are we!

Stephanie Sharp is a teacher, a writer, a musician and an ordained minister.  She is also a divorced, single mother of 3 teenagers.  She writes for the South Texas Women’s Ministries Blog and founded a ministry for ladies walking through divorce and single motherhood called The Well.  You can contact Stephanie at thewellwm@gmail.com.