STXWM Blog

Can I be honest? Of course, I can; I’m writing this and don’t have to wait for a response. The question I’m really asking is, will you think less of me when I share what I’m about to share? Even that isn’t entirely fair. How can you possibly answer without knowing what it is that I have to say? I could tell you that black licorice is my favorite candy, and there’s no possible way you couldn’t help but think less of me for that. (Of course, if you’re reading this and your favorite candy IS black licorice, both I and Jesus still love you, I just don’t trust your taste in candy.)

Back to the matter at hand… What I’m going to share with you this month about what I’ve learned may shock you, and it may, in all actuality, make you think less of me. (However, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in these 41 years that I’ve been roaming the earth, it’s that people don’t think about you nearly as much as you think they do.) My name is Tracie, and I am not always the perfect Christian. Most of the time, I feel like I’m way closer to being a complete mess than a sanctified saint.

That little confession may not seem like a huge revelation. You may even think that it’s a silly thing to have to “confess”. The problem is, I have a mind that works in absolutes and in black and white. Things are either entirely right or completely wrong. There is no middle ground. No gray area. No room for error. If you can’t do something right, then it’s better not to do it at all. 

As a child raised in church, this caused quite a big problem. If I did something wrong or potentially sinful, my thoughts would tell me that I might as well give up. I just knew that what I had done (no matter what it was)  had made God absolutely furious with me. Like lightning-bolt-from-the-heavens mad. So, instead of running to Him, I would first try to “fix myself”. Kind of like when Adam and Eve made clothes out of fig leaves to hide their nakedness, I would sing louder, raise my hands higher, volunteer more, and make myself a really good Christian. Spoiler alert: I never managed to fix myself. So when I inevitably couldn’t do it “right,” I would just run from God entirely. Convinced that if I couldn’t be a “good Christian,” then I shouldn’t even bother. The thing was, I loved God, and I wanted a relationship with Him, so I just kept running in messy little circles of guilt, shame, promises to “do better,” and then failing again.

At some point, I realized that while I knew in my head that God loved me, I was living as if that love was completely transactional. In my mind, His love came with fine print and stipulations. Read my Bible? Approved. Pray for the “right” things for an adequate amount of time? Accepted. Be meek and humble while simultaneously being bold and courageous? Gold star. But miss one of those things? Well, better luck next time, Tracie. You’re officially no longer the apple of His eye and are now the popcorn kernel in His teeth. (not Biblical, but what’s worse than that???) And every time I could picture it: The Father sitting up on his throne, rolling his eyes while sighing in disappointment, with Jesus looking away with secondhand embarrassment. Living that way was exhausting. And honestly, it wasn’t even biblical.

Here’s the truth: I had grown up not truly understanding the love of God, and so I viewed him as some kind of cosmic dictator who was just waiting for my next mess-up so he could once again erase my name from the Lamb’s Book of Life. I had no grasp of who he really is: a loving Father who would literally give EVERYTHING to be in a relationship with me. Scripture doesn’t say, “For it is by your hard work and your perfection you are saved.” Nope. Ephesians 2:8-9 reminds us: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.”

Somewhere along the way, I forgot that Jesus didn’t just die for my “before I was a Christian” sins. He died for my Tuesday-afternoon bad attitudes, my snapping at my husband for getting the wrong frozen pizza, and even my stubbornness in trying to do it all on my own. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Nowhere does it add, “after you’ve punished yourself for two weeks and read six devotionals.”

What I’ve learned is that God isn’t after my perfection; He’s after my heart. He’s after my effort, my honesty, my willingness to repent, and my trust in His grace. Like King David prayed in Psalm 51:17, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

So here’s what I’m sharing that I learned after decades of trying to be a “good Christian”: Grace isn’t just for “getting saved.” It’s for every single day after that, too. God knows I’m a mess (He made me, after all), and He still delights when I come close to Him instead of running away.

Now, am I still learning this? Absolutely. Sometimes I still try to earn God’s approval, and He gently reminds me, “Daughter, I already love you. Rest in that.”

So, if you’ve been carrying guilt or trying to perform your way into God’s good graces, perhaps this reminder is for you, too: Jesus has already done the heavy lifting. Our job is to walk with Him, imperfectly but sincerely, trusting His grace to cover every stumble.

And remember: nothing separates us from the love of Christ (Romans 8:38-39). Not even loving black licorice.

It honestly took a great deal of audacious faith for me to let God completely transform the way I understood my relationship with Him. I had to allow the Holy Spirit to carefully untangle years of man-made misunderstandings about what God really wanted and expected from me. It wasn’t about rule-keeping, checklists, or proving my worth; it was about surrendering my heart. Scripture says in 2 Corinthians 3:17, “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” That freedom is real, but sometimes it requires us to lay down the version of God we’ve been taught by people and let Him show us who He truly is. I had to let Him remake me into someone who lives in His love rather than fear, and maybe that’s the same challenge for you, too: to allow God to undo the man-made misunderstandings and lead you into the freedom only His Spirit brings.

So if you find yourself dealing with this, feeling like God’s love is something you have to earn or that His grace comes with fine print, I encourage you to pause and let the Holy Spirit rewrite that story in your heart. Lean into His Word, ask Him to reveal the truth, and dare to believe that His love really is absolute. It’s not about getting it all right; it’s about letting Him have your heart, your effort, and your repentance. Grace isn’t a “one-and-done” gift; it’s the ongoing invitation to live loved, to be forgiven, and to be continually transformed.

Tracie Tevault is a recent addition to the STXWM blog team. Married for 15 years to her best friend, Tracie is raising one awesome son and three spoiled cats. With a heart for ministry, Tracie has served in many areas, but her true passion lies in reaching those who might not fit the traditional church mold. She’s all about showing people they are loved, valued, and created with a purpose.