STXWM Blog

I had been dating my now husband for about a year when I called him forty-five minutes from midnight to come rescue me. “Bring help! And a weapon!” was most of what I said before I hung up. This was out of character for me because asking for help has never been one of my strengths, it was past our self-imposed dating curfew, and I have never been at a loss for words. He lived fifteen minutes away but showed up with his roommate about eight minutes later to find me and my roommate standing on the kitchen table and counters with hair spray and shoes in our hands. We were yell crying and pointing at the ceiling and shouting, “They’re everywhere!” My husband and his friend dutifully disposed of no less than six mutated roaches. I say mutated because they were as big as my hand and could fly! They also seemed to have organized a rebellion and were attacking us but apparently those facts are being called into question by the roach slayer himself so we will just have to agree to disagree.  

Once I was brave and squished a spider that was crawling around my classroom and the immediate sense of pride I felt was overpowered by the insane fear of HUNDREDS of tiny spiders that were released from this mother spider and scattered around my classroom. Have you ever tried to get a classroom of 22 eight-year-olds to stop screaming and trying to escape while also feeling like you have tiny spiders crawling all over you? I had to send a class-wide email to all parents explaining why I didn’t have time to teach science that afternoon and had to face my principal and explain myself in shame. You think I would have learned?

Fast-forward about two years and the gallant roach slayer and I are married and enjoying the first few months of marriage. I was reading a book, or doing something incredibly academic, and he was in the shower when I screamed. Blood curdling screams and “thwacks” filtered into the bathroom as I began throwing all types of items across the room. Minutes later my new husband comes sliding into the room with shampoo still in his hair ready to battle whoever had dared to enter our home to hurt me, but then realized what I was afraid of; another roach straight from the pits of Sheol. He wasn’t pleased to have to kill and dispose of the aforementioned creature while dripping wet and clutching a towel. He then denied my request to call an immediate prayer meeting to have others come and pray over our home because clearly this was an attack from the enemy. Who is the real victim here?

I could tell you no fewer than five more stories very similar to these with varying stages of intensity all surrounding bugs, insects, and the like but I will save you time and mental anguish. These are lighthearted examples of truly irrational fears, but honestly are my experience. I am in awe of woman who can squish spiders, crunch roaches, and ignore beetles because I have never been someone who could do that. My entire life I had put my fear before rationality and let it lead me. With bugs, but also listening to the Lord. 

Growing up I often heard, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” Proverbs 9:10. This biblical fear is not the same fear that I walk in with insects, people, places, or abilities. This fear is awe, reverence, and respect. Wisdom cannot advance further unless we acknowledge the beginning. Evangelical professor of Hebrew and the Old Testament, Bruce K. Waltke shares, “What the alphabet is to reading, notes to reading music, and numerals to mathematics, the fear of the Lord is to attaining the revealed knowledge of this book (Bible).” 

I’ve never considered myself brave or courageous and have often prayed for God to embolden me in every aspect of my life. I always thought, since I’m so afraid of such harmless things how could I be any use to God?  That’s fear though, it’s a distorter. A liar. A thief. It changes our perception of ourselves, our abilities, and even our identity if we let it. Crippling fears whether they are of bugs, people, jobs, or speaking were never the will of God. God desires us to live in His presence and resting at peace with Him. 

After sharing at a bible study with college students one night, a few of the girls came up to me and asked how they could also listen to and discern the will of God for their lives. Then one girl asked how I do what I do without fear. It hit me then that listening to God and doing His will is obedient but also courageous. It is acting not without fear, but without letting fear win. Not going fearlessly but going with God and knowing He is all I need to conquer all my fears. Fear is in the eye of the beholder. What overcomes some with fear and trembling, others do without a thought. One is not better or worse for the fears they carry, but for the cross in which they ultimately lay them down.

This would be a wonderful time to be able to tell you a story of how I have overcome my totally rational fear of roaches and all things insects, but I can’t lie. I still squeal and shriek and call for my husband to, “GRAB A WEAPON AND RUN!” whenever I see a roach. Side note, why is it always MY SHOE that he decides is the best weapon? I have also learned that fear will always take over if I don’t attempt to challenge it. Maybe the next time I see a roach I will be the one to grab a weapon and slay it and it can be a small step forward with other fears I also live with. By the way, Lord this is NOT an invitation to test this resolve with lots of opportunities to overcome my fears. Thank you, Amen!

Lord, you see us. You see the humor we hide behind and the fears that grip us. You know our hearts and love us anyway. You are great and mighty and wonderful to be praised. Guide us in your will for our lives for your glory and our transformation. Enable us to live audaciously in a way that is contrary to our fears and the ways of this world. May our fear be reverence for you and the beginning of our walk with wisdom. Amen. 

MaKenzie V. is a global worker who has faithfully been serving the unreached in the Arab World while growing her family. Almost every moment of the day is spent chasing Jesus and her toddlers- usually with a cup of hot tea or coffee in hand. She enjoys learning languages, deep belly laughs, and connecting with others where God has them.