STXWM Blog

I’m used to not belonging.

As a child, my family moved six times before I turned seven. We would go on to move two more times—once when I was 14 and again at 18. I felt like the perpetual new girl, always stepping into new places and trying to find my way into new friend groups. I would look at the established friendships my peers had, most of them growing up in one neighborhood—or at least one city—their whole lives and wondered if I would ever feel that same sense of belonging. 

In my adult life I would go on to move to two different states and then eventually to a foreign country where my un-belonging was more pronounced than ever. I’m naturally an extrovert and enjoy making friends, but even for a people-person, the constant tension of trying to assimilate, connect, and belong is exhausting. 

As a result of my nomadic life, I developed an intense fear of rejection. I couldn’t stand the thought of people not wanting me around, or even worse, forgetting me once I was gone. So, I became a people-pleaser. I figured, I can avoid rejection if I can always find something to contribute to a relationship, to make people want me around because of what I can add. I worked hard to learn how to read a room, to recognize a need or a gap, and then to find a creative way to fill it. I became one of those people everyone loves to have on a team because I could figure it out and get it done. My fear of rejection catapulted me into a vicious cycle of pushing past healthy limits to try and keep people happy, but still never fully feeling like I belonged.

What I saw as a way to belong and be loved actually led to burnout and isolation, leaving me feeling more alone than ever because I was placing my value and identity in being accepted for what I could offer rather than who I am.

We are created with a desire to love, and to be loved. It’s a primal need, a God-ordained necessity. While God is the ultimate source of love and acceptance, He also made us in His image as a relational being—just as God exists in relationship as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, we are designed to live in relationship with Him and with others. The difference is, God is perfect and reflects His perfect image onto us, but humans are imperfect and cast shadows of brokenness onto us (and we onto them) via our relationships. We cannot hope to find the same perfect unity of relationship that exists wthin the trinity in our human relationships.

Whether or not people accept us holds no bearing on our value or identity, whether or not we are lovable or desirable. Jesus Himself, perfect Son of God as He was, experienced the deepest forms of rejection: rejection of His family members (John 7:5), rejection of His hometown (John 4:44), rejection of His people (John 1:11), rejection of His dearest friend at His greatest moment of need (John 18:25). Despite the many ways Christ was rejected, He was confident in His identity and firm in His calling. He did not let the rejection push Him towards performance or people-pleasing. He walked steadfastly in the purpose He was made for. Jesus even promised that if we follow Him, we will experience similar rejection:

“If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you.” John 15:18-19

We can find freedom from the fear of rejection when we, like Jesus, know that our true value and worth is not in acceptance by the world, but in being fully accepted and loved by God. We do not have to spend our days striving to earn belonging—it’s ours already through the gift of salvation. People-pleasing has no place at the cross, because we cannot earn God’s love through being “good enough.” All our efforts fall devastatingly short, but praise be to God that He does not desire our effort, but our surrender. 

In John 17, Jesus prays a vulnerable and heartfelt prayer for His disciples. He knew the path ahead of them would not be easy, and He wanted to intercede on their behalf. Not only does He pray for the disciples, but He prays for “all those who will ever believe in me through their message.” That’s you and me! And His prayer was all about His followers belonging to God and experiencing unity and love with Christ, the Father, and the body of Christ. I encourage you to take a few moments to read all of John 17 and be reminded that we do not have to fear rejection because God loves us and is with us, no matter what we may face. 

Heather F.