STXWM Blog

I have never been good at change; small changes (like going to a different
grocery store or taking a new route to a familiar place) to the larger scale
changes (like moving to a new country and learning a new language). I
buck and fight and cry and lament, much to the chagrin of my saint of a
husband. Change isn’t a good look on me.

Many of you might be “amening” and nodding your heads with me while
others can’t fathom a week without a change. Others are change addicts! I
once had a roommate that would rearrange our home, sometimes in the
span of a university lecture! How she was able to move huge pieces of
furniture so quickly is between her and God. I might not have liked it, but I
can’t say it wasn’t impressive.

One January, six years ago today actually, I buried my first-born child. A
beautiful daughter with a flower name, Lily Green. The Lord gave my
husband and I her name after we were declared infertile. Daniel prayed
Matthew 6:28-29, “Why are you anxious for clothing? And consider the lilies
of the field, how they grow. They neither toil nor spin, and yet I tell you,
even Solomon in all of his glory was not arrayed like one of these.” We
rejoiced when I became pregnant, and we mourned when she quietly left
this earth shortly before birth. After a lifetime of hating change, I had finally
been excited for the biggest change of all. One of the silently cruel parts of
her death was how life didn’t seem to change at all. Too quickly my body
healed, the nursery was packed up, and life seemingly went back to the
way it had always been. But my heart, my very soul, was irrevocably changed.

Death isn’t the only change that can bring sorrow, suffering, and grief. A
dream defeated, a hope deferred, a relationship ruined–all of these
changes (or seemingly the antithesis of change) birth an abundance of
emotions inside of us. When we are confronted with various feelings
competing to be felt, especially if we have an unhealthy worldview, we can
become shells of ourselves. Imposters even. God does not desire for us to
be whitewashed tombs; shining faces with rot and decay lurking under a
few layers of skin. Our King desires redemption, not just for our
circumstances but also for our souls.

I miss Lily Green more fervently than I could even possibly say to you. It’s
an ache that begins in my soul and often leaks from my eyes and squeezes
with each breath I take. Each day there are reminders of what should have
been and what is not. However, change isn’t the enemy. Death isn’t even
the enemy. More times than not it is my very own flesh. Romans 8:6 says,
“To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life
and peace.” Perhaps to embrace change looks like allowing the
circumstances you find yourself in to be filtered through a spiritual lens
rather than an earthly one. To embrace peace and the King who ushers it
in, instead of allowing our flesh and its sinful desires to undermine what our
souls truly long for.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth
comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us…And we know for
those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are
called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:18, 28.

No one will ever be able to convince me that change is good or that my
daughter’s death was good in the sense that we understand now. However,
I do know this: that the God of the universe, who saw His creation and said
that it was good, then witnessed that very creation invite sin into what was
perfect, had His heart broken with the corruption of His perfect world. That
same God put on flesh and came to our world as a baby; born to die for the
sins of all mankind. That is good news. A beautiful reason to embrace
unforeseen and unwanted changes in our own lives so that we may not
perish but have everlasting life.

Six years ago my life changed more than I could recognize. God, having
felt the immeasurable grief change can bring, took every step with me then
and he continues to lead me now. Just like he leads you. Through
mountains and valleys, seasons of fallow and seasons of abundance, and
life and death, I challenge you to allow King Jesus to lead you.

You may have scrolled past the cover photo accompanying this blog or perhaps your attention was snagged and you studied it intently. This is a picture hanging in the home of a dear friend of mine. A college student she knows from Chi Alpha painted this for her after she shared with her that her daughter had passed away. When my four-year-old saw this picture she joyfully exclaimed, “Look mama it’s Lily in Heaven.” In my darkest hours of overwhelming grief, God granted me a glimpse of Heaven. There was a landscape of green, teeming with wildflowers. I never saw her face but I saw a little girl much like this one: blonde hair and a flowing dress laughing and playing without fear or pain. I saw many children in this dream, and I remember trying to get to her; to get her attention. As I picked up my hand to wave at her and call her name, another hand touched my shoulder. Joy radiated from the man next to me; joy and love. He took my hand and kissed it and held it for a moment. Then he gently led me away all the while holding my hand with his other arm around my shoulders. I remember waking up and feeling lighter. A realization that I hadn’t failed my daughter; I had not abandoned her by not following her into death. Someone far grander than I was taking care of her, and instead of me leading her in this life I will worship alongside her in the next.

I love what another STXWM blogger, Tracie, said earlier this month; new
year, same me. There can be so much fanfare when a new year is ushered
in, fireworks, countdowns, and stylish parties. But what happens when a
new year comes and with it all your unresolved prayers, fears, and
expectations? Does ‘all things new’ include our spiritual selves? Have you
wiped clean the proverbial slate between ourselves and others? Between
you and God? Have we sought redemption where wronged, and restoration
where sin separated? Let us boldly abandon what entangles and
audaciously grasp what God has for us. As I continue to seek God in
healing and grieving, I pledge to intercede on your behalf. Whether you are
reading this in 2025 or 2027 or the year 3000, you can confidently know
that you are beloved by God and covered in prayers by your sister in Christ.

MaKenzie V. is a global worker who has faithfully been serving the unreached in the Arab World while growing her family. Almost every moment of the day is spent chasing Jesus and her toddlers- usually with a cup of hot tea or coffee in hand. She enjoys learning languages, deep belly laughs, and connecting with others where God has them.