STXWM Blog

by Davida Freeze

“There is so much more I want to tell you, but you can’t bear it now.”

-Jesus, John 16:12 NLT 

If you are like me, you don’t naturally enjoy ambiguity or the lack of clarity. I don’t know many adults who do! But having the opportunity to live outside of our western culture allows me to see more clearly what I am made of by seeing something different to compare myself to. I have learned that planning an event, organizing a schedule, and even giving directions in an African context is riddled with ambiguity and very different than my expectations.

After living many years in Africa, I have noticed how much we as westerners are information-driven. This can be something small, such as feeling the frustration that comes with not knowing how to say, “How much are these tomatoes?” Or it can be more serious, like wondering yet again if the persecuted believers among us will be delivered and returned safely or if they will lose their lives for their testimony. Those two extremes may not seem comparable, but if I’m being honest, they each grate on me, wearing me down as my flesh cries out for clarity and understanding.  

Though your experiences may be different, maybe you have also noticed the need for information.

“What did she mean by that look?”

“Is this the right career choice?”

“How do I best parent my child through this situation they are facing?”  

Much of our longing for information comes from a pure heart. However, I have noticed how quickly my heart can go from curiosity and a desire for discernment to what has been labeled “information idolatry.” After all, it is much easier to walk in grace when I have understanding. When someone briskly pushes past me, I tend to not have much grace…until I hear they are responding to a family medical emergency. I can easily feel judged when a colleague makes a comment comparing her giftings to mine…until I learn she has really been struggling with insecurity and trying to find her footing in a new role. Information can help activate grace. This makes it easy to understand why we’re so bent on getting information! Unfortunately, that’s not always possible.

As I reflect on this challenge to maintain balance in times of ambiguity, my mind is drawn to the disciples during a time of great confusion. They watched their Rabbi being crucified and they suffered extreme disappointment and loss. The crushing grief and confusion during the hours between the crucifixion and resurrection are difficult to fully grasp this side of Easter. But the picture didn’t immediately become clear once Christ was raised from the dead. The weeks between His resurrection and the day of Pentecost were filled with moments where these followers who would become pillars of the Church were still lacking clarity on Christ and His mission. Thomas doubted, the men on the road to Emmaus were slow to recognize, even His closest followers didn’t immediately recognize the voice of Jesus as He beckoned to them from the shore to throw the net on the other side of the boat!  

And yet, Jesus still appeared to them. 

He continued calling them by name and gave them bite-sized pieces of the story. Little by little, they began to grasp the bigger picture and understand “all He had said” (John 14:26). 

This is not the way I would have decided to do it. From the time His ministry began, I would have assumed Jesus would clearly lay out the game plan and give His followers a mind to understand. He “opened their minds to understand the scriptures” in Luke 24:45 with the men on the road to Emmaus. Why couldn’t He do that earlier? Wouldn’t that have been easier on everyone? 

We now sit in the days between Easter and Pentecost Sunday and I’m challenged again to celebrate the things that are uncertain, unclear, and confusing in my life as an opportunity to wait with eyes of faith for the Lord. “Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength…” (Isaiah 40:31). While we want to be women of discernment, diligently seeking the Lord’s direction, we also want to be found faithfully waiting on Him when things are ambiguous and confusing. Before the healing comes, before the answer is clear, what we do in those moments matter significantly in God’s eyes. 

May we be women who lean into the unknown…with faith, hope, and love. 

Davida was born in Texas but moved to Washington State to complete her Master’s degree in Counseling from Northwest University. After returning to Texas in 2007, she served faithfully at her local church and taught at Lonestar College until God called her overseas in 2014. She has now lived in East Africa for 10 years, learning what it means to be a single female follower of Jesus among Muslim people. No matter her job, role or status, she sees her life mission is to “know Him and make Him known.”